I wanted to share what has been going round inside me these days, now that I am beginning to take in the blow — what has been bringing me consolation.
They have been hard days. Hard. The blow was one for the history books, and I want it to make history, at least in me. I think one of the first things I said, carried away by the shock, was «this makes no sense at all»; it seemed too absurd. But little by little I am taking something in, and that is what I wanted to share.
I did not see Marcos very often, but whenever I saw him he was always happy, giving his all. If you asked him how he was, instead of the usual «fine» or «can’t complain», he would tell you, with the face of a teenager in love and almost as if he could not contain it: «Good… life with the Lord is wonderful». I had no doubt at all that Marcos had met Christ and was deeply in love; he radiated it. And you could see in his face that he was happy, not because he had no problems or difficulties, but because he lived the ones he had united to Him. I was left wanting him to tell us about his vocation more calmly and in more detail, but what we did know of it reflected this very clearly, both through his words and because with his yes he was telling us «my life is Christ». And what has been reaching us about him these days is a gift. I am still struck by the number of people who have been «touched» by him for Christ, to a greater or lesser degree; it is impossible to ignore it after having been at the wake and at the funeral.
With what has happened, it is as if God had given him loudspeakers. What he said about Christ is reaching a great many people and is touching many of us. As his uncle said, Marcos gave his life to Christ, and He called him to serve and to be united with Him in the way He saw fit, and we have no right to question it, still less when Marcos is now far happier. But it is also bearing fruit, «like that grain of wheat that falls to the ground and dies» and bears much fruit: he has followed Christ in self-giving, in death and in resurrection, and he is drawing us towards Him, fulfilling his vocation, now as before, though in a different way. Marcos did not decide how and when to die, but he had already given his life to Christ to bring Him closer to us without setting conditions; he had taken on his mission of being another Christ with everything that entailed, and if Christ took him at his word, he would have said «let it be done».
At the wake, with so very many people, with endless queues to receive Communion coming from various parts of the church and going on and on, which made me think of a «festival of the Eucharist», I thought that now Marcos had us just where he wanted us, that he had pulled it off. I believe this death makes far more visible the sign of God that Marcos is (not because he was perfect, but because he followed Christ carrying his imperfection on his back); it makes us look more intently to where he was looking, to Christ, and in my case it is making me want to live much more closely united to Him, partly because seeing Marcos so in love and happy with Christ makes you envious, and partly because this separation reminds us of our littleness, makes us humble, and in that humility we become aware that we need God. This Lent we are not going to need much more of a reminder than the one we have already had.
A priest in the family said that on seeing so many people there he thought of soldiers: when one falls, another steps forward and takes his place. He was referring to priestly vocations, but it is not only for them. Someone else said that now it was time to take up the baton from Marcos in his apostolates, but I think that above all Marcos wants us to take up the baton before the tabernacle, and from there whatever has to come will come for each one of us. That is why I want to say that for me his death has a meaning: to lead me to Christ, and it is succeeding, and I am going to try to make sure it keeps on doing so. Because these days, faced with what has happened, I could only turn back to Him. Despite my inability to organise my time by priorities, to give things up, despite the flaws in my character and the day-to-day circumstances of each of us, I believe this has to have a result: making room for Him in my day and living the rest of it with Him. I want his death, and the pain it has caused us and others and which also weighs on us, to bear fruit.
And to remember that suffering is also a gift, however terribly hard it may be, if it brings about a greater good, and that to a certain extent it depends on us whether it does so: welcoming it and accepting what comes with it, and making it bear fruit, allowing his death to give us that greater good, that gift it wants to give us. Even though it will go on hurting for a long time yet. And may this pain remind us of the message. They say that suffering is God’s megaphone: death is a consequence of sin, it is not willed in itself by Him, but He can make use of it to call us. This Lent the Pope spoke about the temptation of indifference. God calls in a thousand small ways, and very often daily life ends up drowning them out, but when He does it through a blow like this one it is hard to turn a deaf ear. And He is calling us to His Love, through the love that Marcos has for Him and which has now been consummated.
When I saw him being carried out of the church on people’s shoulders, it reminded me of the winners of races (I had just watched «Chariots of Fire» these past few days), and how we all remarked that Marcos had been the first of the cousins to arrive. St Paul’s words came to my mind: «I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. From now on there is reserved for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the just judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me but to all who have longed for his appearing». And I thought that we would all like to be able to go out like that, on people’s shoulders and victorious, with a church packed with people bearing witness to our race before the Father and before everyone else, saying to Him with our prayer «receive him with honours, for he has earned them, he has loved you greatly». May it be that, with the unexpectedness of this separation, Marcos, who goes ahead of us, shines the spotlight on the path for us and that we follow him towards Christ. May we support one another in that direction, and above all take care of those who have given him to Christ.
And no, it is not because we are floating on a cloud and numbed by grief. We are very clear-sighted because of the grief. It is not that we want to seek consolation or take refuge in faith: it is that we see what, thank God, has become plain these days through Marcos’s death, and we only want it to go on bearing fruit of change in us and in others. And to give thanks for the way God is taking care of us.
Machine translation. If you spot a mistake, do write to us.